Great Expectations: Honoring the Needs of Our Babies

Expectations—we all have them, and in fact, we’re born with them.

As Jean Liedloff explains in her influential book, The Continuum Concept, infants come into the world with deep-seated needs and expectations. When these needs are met, babies have the chance to develop optimally, both physically and emotionally. These expectations stem from millions of years of human evolution. Yet, despite our growing understanding of what babies truly need, modern society often discourages us from fulfilling them. Let’s explore some of the innate expectations that infants are born with and how society’s views have shifted away from these natural instincts.

The Expectation of Physical Contact

From birth, a baby expects constant physical closeness with their mother, especially during sleep. For an infant, this means they anticipate sleeping close to their parents until they’re ready to transition to their own bed. Yet, today, co-sleeping is often viewed as unsafe. While it’s true that sleeping with your baby requires certain safety precautions, it’s entirely possible to co-sleep safely. A firm, gap-free mattress, avoiding substances like alcohol or medications, keeping the baby lightly dressed, and breastfeeding can all contribute to a safe co-sleeping environment.

It’s worth noting that many parents initially feel confident they’ll never co-sleep. However, with the exhaustion of caring for a newborn, many find themselves bringing the baby into bed during those early months. For this reason, it’s a good idea to prepare for safe co-sleeping, just in case. Planning ahead can help prevent accidents and make those moments as restful and safe as possible.

For parents who don’t feel confident with co-sleeping, keeping the baby in a bassinet or crib in the parents' room is a wonderful alternative. Room-sharing without bed-sharing still allows you to respond quickly to your baby’s needs while giving everyone a bit more space.

The Need to Be Carried

Newborns also expect to be held or carried frequently, feeling secure in the arms of a caregiver as they observe the world from a place of safety. This closeness not only meets a baby’s needs for comfort and bonding but also fosters a secure attachment. Yet, in today’s world, we’re often warned that too much holding will “spoil” a baby or strain a caregiver’s back.

We hear messages like: “Don’t hold your baby too much; you’ll spoil them!” But in reality, holding a baby meets a core need that helps them thrive emotionally and socially.

The Expectation of Responsive Feeding

Babies expect their caregivers to respond to their cues for food, including frequent breastfeeding on demand. Feeding isn’t just about nutrition; it’s a source of comfort and bonding. However, we often encounter outdated ideas that if a baby wants to nurse more frequently than every three hours, it means there’s an issue with the quality or quantity of milk. Well-meaning advice often suggests using formula instead of supporting parents through breastfeeding challenges.

Society tells us: “Don’t respond to every cry; they’re just manipulating you!” But in reality, responding to these cues builds trust and security, providing the foundation for a healthy bond.

The Disconnection Between Expectation and Society

Our babies are not biologically prepared for the modern ways they’re often cared for in society. They’re left wondering why their needs go unmet, despite the ancient instincts that drive them to cry for closeness, nourishment, and warmth.

If our ancestors had put their babies to sleep alone in a cave, left them on the ground while hunting, or fed them only by the clock, human survival might not have been possible. These instincts helped us survive, and they continue to help our babies thrive today.

Embracing Our Babies’ Needs

So, let’s honor these great expectations. Keep your babies close, share sleep if it feels right, hold them when they need you, and respond to their cues. Let’s foster a future where each generation is met with the love and security they instinctively expect, so that more generations can grow up expecting—and receiving—a world filled with love.